I am completely and utterly alone in this world.
About a week ago I came across a news article about a celebrity sharing the news of their recent cancer diagnosis. I was very emotional while reading it and realized I was a little jealous of his openness in sharing that personal information with the world. Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about how if I were to get really sick I would hide it from everyone, my family included for as long as possible. I don’t want people to see me like that, and I don’t want them to have that burden of worrying about my health. I honestly think I would rather die from refusing treatment, than have to share news like that with my family. Now I think it may be even deeper than that. I think maybe part of why the article upset me so much is that I cant open up to anyone about my current struggles.
I’m finally in a program that I love and am excelling in. I’m working out enough to be healthy. I’m putting on what I think is a decent show of being happy in life. But I’m hurting. A lot. I’ve tried subtly reaching out to friends. I’ve tried publicly showing some of my pain. I’ve tried straight up saying I need someone. No one answered. I know my “friends” saw and read the messages, and not one even replied. The people I have always been there for never seem to be around for me.
I don’t belong here. I don’t ever seem to fit in. I’m afraid my past will forever make me the odd man out. There’s no support group for the things I’ve been through and there’s no way to talk about any of it without seeing the people i love hurt or dishonouring people who deserve better than myself. I wish I was strong enough to just end it, but I’m not. I’m weak. I’m a coward. I’m lazy. I’m really afraid that I’ll never be good enough for anyone to want to stay in my life.
I don’t know how to trust. I dont know how to make real friends. When you left you took so much of me with you I can’t fil in the holes. You took my comfort, my stability, my heart. I have nothing left.